In one of those rares occasions I remembered to visit my own blog. As usual, I always do the same: mumble about the lack of content, update outdated WordPress version, update active plugins and themes, clear spam comments, have a look around and see if there is anything worth changing,. Then I close the window and several months later repeat the same process over and over.
Something was different this time. After logging on to WordPress, I noticed on the top right corner the message “How are you, Eurico?”. This question made me start thinking. “How am I?” – such a silly question to ask. The answer is simple. In lack of the proper word, I feel like crap. And when I feel like crap I start thinking about my personal life, how life goals are going, what has been done, why things did not turn out to be the way you expected, etc. Then you add that melancholic music, constantly on repeat, to the equation resulting in a lovely mood defined sadness.
A quick web search takes you to Wikipedia which describes the meaning of sadness and puts it into context:
Sadness is an emotional pain associated with, or characterized by, feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, grief, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow. An individual experiencing sadness may become quiet or lethargic, and withdraw themselves from others. An example of severe sadness is depression. Crying is often an indication of sadness.
I actually did this today and walked away from a party where everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves while yours truly was by the corner just watching and not socialising. Reasons? Oh, don’t get me started we would be here all night! Perhaps it is one of those bad days where everything seems to go wrong. Then compare myself to others and not feeling worthy (not in a jealousy point of view). In the eyes of family and friends they see me as a successful person. Someone who clearly knows what he wants in life. In my own eyes, I am always dissatisfied with everything I do and torture myself for absolutely no reason. I am literally my own punching bag. I have been told once this is similar to the Impostor syndrome. Of course, this is life – deal with it” How then? You can give me several options: “be more active!”, “keep yourself busy”; “hang out with friends”; “do something crazy!”; “take a break”.
In my line of work I have to take several factors when tackling issues. I have to analyse and review all angles of a problem and provide an acceptable solution. If you come to me with something, my mind starts its automated process of “what if this, what if that”. You simply cannot tell me your ideas without me wondering off. By the way, I already know the answer. It is to love yourself for what you are and feel great about the stuff you have accomplished so far. Easy right? Well, not actually.